I can’t pinpoint exactly when I developed anxiety, but that’s because I didn’t know anything about it. As a kid, I didn’t hear about the topic of mental health unless it was the butt of a joke. I do remember, however, when I first learned that the tightness in my chest, burning sensations in my hands, and sleepless nights were all related to anxiety. I had just graduated from college and started seeing a new therapist who had diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder. At the time, I felt anger and denial. Years later, as I enter my fourth year as a school principal, I’ve come to appreciate my anxiety as a superpower.
Have a anxiety disorder It's more than just feeling anxious. It's human nature worry, but for some of us, living with and managing anxiety is more complex than just not worrying. Sometimes It becomes persistent and it starts to get in the way of everyday experiences, as it happened to me. There is a Variety of anxiety disorders that affect people in different ways and are Most common than you think. Many people live with anxiety and other mental health issues, especially after they've been through The pandemicand yet it still carries this stigma, particularly in communities of color.
As a Black woman, that has been the case for me. I remember a conversation I had with a family member after she learned I had been diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder. She encouraged me to remember all the struggles my grandmother went through and how she never put her head down or looked sad, but kept going. “It’s all a matter of perspective,” she said. “You just have to elevate your perspective.”
This is consistent with other messages I have picked up. I have often felt pressure from my family, friends, colleagues and my community to live up to expectations. “Strong black woman” Stereotype. Sometimes this translates into an unrealistic expectation to never let others know that I am experiencing pain, doubt, sadness, or any other emotion that might be characterized as a weakness.
How my anxiety manifested when I started working in schools
When I became a teacher, my anxiety got noticeably worse, and that continued as I began to take on more responsibility in my job and moved into school leadership. I quickly realized that there were many triggers in my day-to-day life. Any major event, unexpected challenge, difficult conversation, or potentially unpopular decision would send paralyzing electricity through my body. Those feelings were always there, and I now had a name for them, but I still didn’t know what to do with them.
Shortly after I became a school principal, I received the best advice for managing anxiety from the best therapist I’ve ever worked with. She told me, “You have anxiety. Just accept it. Learn to ride the wave.” In order to ride the wave of my anxiety and not let it control me, I had to reject the ableist notion that anxiety is a weakness. I had to start seeing it as a reality that I had to learn to deal with instead of fight against. And so I did.
I began to learn how my anxiety manifested and what typically triggered it, so I could prepare for the tightness in my chest and the warm hands, acknowledging that they would come, but also knowing that I would get through it and be okay. When I felt overwhelmed by tasks, I no longer panicked or shut down. Instead, I slowed down and made a plan to tackle one situation at a time. When I anticipated having to give or receive difficult feedback and my heart was racing, I used progressive muscle relaxation, a technique to calm my body and mind. When I felt things piling up on my shoulders, I learned to stand up for what I needed and reach out to teammates who wanted to support me.
As a school principal, I’ve realized that my anxiety isn’t just something I’ve stopped fighting, but something I’ve embraced as an important part of my identity. I wouldn’t be the leader I am today without it. Being anxious makes me hyper-aware of everything and everyone around me, and that helps me notice the small, important details that lead me to make more thoughtful decisions.
Some people say they come up with their best ideas in the shower. I come up with my best ideas at 3:00 a.m. when I can’t sleep because I’m mulling over a problem from the day before. While I would appreciate a few extra minutes of sleep, this is the time when I have the most clarity, when I can think without the noise of the busy school day and consider all possible angles of a situation. My tendency to overthink has caused me to reflect deeply on the decisions I make, the feedback I give, and the setbacks I experience as a leader. This level of clarity is important as a leader because everything we do impacts our staff and our students.
Anxiety is like having my own version of x-ray vision. Before, I would obsess over how other people would respond to what I said and did, but now I’ve learned to slow down and focus on the moment, listening to what’s being said and what’s not being said. This has helped me develop strong relationships with the leaders I coach, because I can ask the right questions to understand where they’re coming from and make their ideas clearer.
Appreciating my anxiety as an essential part of my identity
As a person with anxiety, one reality I face is that I can be incredibly sensitive to my environment. When I feel psychologically unsafe, I don’t just feel anxious, I feel like I need to put on a mask to protect myself, which is exhausting. But when I’m in an environment where I feel respected and safe being myself, I do my best work. And as a principal, I recognize that in order for my students and staff to do their best work, I have to develop the kind of environment where they can show up and be themselves.
Learning to value my anxiety as an essential part of who I am has been a difficult process, but it has been fundamental to my growth as a leader. I have had to unlearn the idea that having anxiety or any other mental health problem is a weakness.
As a leader, I am continuing to learn to take an asset-based approach to developing the teachers at my school. I lean into their strengths, but it’s been difficult to do the same for myself. Over time, I’ve delved deeper into how my anxiety shapes my identity and experiences, how I can cope with it, and leverage it as a strength in my work. Once I stopped focusing on the stigma, I became more self-aware and ultimately became a better leader. By speaking up more about my experiences with anxiety, I hope others can do the same.