How school leaders can manage and control emotions

Key points:

We need to better manage and control our emotions, and by better I mean not managing or controlling them, but rather using and exercising them.

“I need to control my emotions” is an internal dialogue we often hear ourselves say as we reflect on our actions. Or sometimes someone may suggest that we need to manage our emotions better. But we? Is the assumption that emotions and leadership are the oil and water of the workplace really true? This may (still) be the last bastion of leadership assumptions that need to be set aside.

We have spent generations telling ourselves that our emotions are those things that must be corralled, fenced, and subdued. It has fostered the ideas that we should “leave our personalities at the door” and “keep business and personal separate.”

Investigation found that school leaders and principals who coped and adapted best to the pandemic were those who were able to use, and not ignore, their emotions.

Before the pandemic, strong leaders were often expected to focus their leadership on process, accountability, and strategic planning, which presented a highly controlled image of leadership. The leader led and others followed. There was a theoretical rhythm and cadence to what effective leadership should look like.

The pandemic changed this mentality.

We saw leaders vulnerable, open to listening and recognizing that they might not have all the answers. These were leaders who wholeheartedly embraced ambiguity and sought to thrive in uncertain disorder. Like Bryan Goodwin and Kent Davis of the nonprofit McRel having writtenThis change may be difficult for some, as it “requires them to reflect not only on what they should do, but more deeply on who they should be as leaders.”
—The arguments in favor of adopting disordered leadership in schools

Of course, there are times when emotions can interfere with decision making, just as there are times when not showing emotion is a missed opportunity. Perhaps it is not the separation of both, but rather the utilization of both, that is the sweet spot we should seek. Perhaps the problem is not the word “emotion”, but the words that accompany it and that give it an intentional or unintentional meaning.

When we hear the word emotion in the workplace, we have often combined it with other words that on their own sound harmless but actually convey an underlying state of mind and intention:

These words imply that emotions and expression act in opposition to our ability to lead and make decisions. They imply that emotions are the antithesis of a good leader. They are negative. They will lead to distraction. And because of that they will make you look weak. Strong leaders are those who can maintain separation and not be affected or show emotion.

Using these words makes emotions seem like a deficit.

However, what we have discovered and continue to discover is that emotions are a strength. Brene Brown put it like it was authentically you: “Letting go of who we think we should be and accepting who we are. Choosing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set limits and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.” (amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X” target=”_blank” rel=”noreferrer noopener”>The gifts of imperfection)

This has been echoed in research, which shows strong links between trust, results and performance. Higher levels of emotional connection and trust result in lower levels of stress, reduced burnout, and a more than 75 percent increase in engagement.

Compared to people in low-trust companies, people in high-trust companies report: 74 percent less stress, 106 percent more energy at work, 50 percent higher productivity, 13 percent fewer sick days, 76 percent more commitment, 29 percent more satisfaction with their lives, and 40 percent less exhaustion.

By integrating vulnerability into your leadership approach, you can build stronger relationships, invite collaboration, and open a path for more difficult but important conversations that will improve the well-being and performance of the company and everyone in it.
—Vulnerability at Work Isn't About Tears and Oversharing

It increases the potential for empowerment and, as such, increases the likelihood of shared responsibility and collective leadership. Establishing emotional connections will take the pressure off the individual leader and share it among his or her teams. So maybe it's not the word emotion that we need to change, but the words that accompany it:

• Exercise
• Use
• Cultivate

By selecting these words, we change the use, understanding, and meaning of “emotions.” Emotions are a key tool for forming alliances, building trust, conveying importance, demonstrating empathy, increasing inclusion and can be seen as the hidden power of effective leadership.

Too often we dismiss the little things we do (the human things) that are crucial to building relationships, trust, and a positive school climate. Now is the time to celebrate these unconventional measures of success.
—The human side in developing a positive school climate

twitter.com/intent/tweet?source=webclient&amp%3Bvia=atlassian&amp%3Btext=Leaders%20play%20a%20major%20role%20in%20surfacing%2C%20understanding%2C%20and%20balancing%20individual%20values%20on%20our%20teams.%20When%20we%20acknowledge%20and%20embrace%20the%20messiness%20that%20comes%20with%20being%20human%2C%20each%20of%20us%20with%20a%20desire%20for%20shared%20community%20and%20purpose%2C%20we%E2%80%99re%20one%20step%20closer%20to%20unleashing%20the%20full%20potential%20of%20our%20teams%20and%20the%20teams%20we%20serve.&amp%3Burl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.atlassian.com%2Fblog%2Fleadership%2Fembracing-the-human-side-of-leadership&utm_source=hs_email&utm_medium=email&_hsenc=p2ANqtz-8OjDyWM2CevnDgu0_SqYniEp3SQWbXsow6tkHo2FRmlxhmZ8asFDCybY7PRQBAFB2pvgqN” target=”_blank” rel=”noreferrer noopener”>Leaders play an important role in surfacing, understanding and balancing individual values ​​in our teams. When we recognize and embrace the messiness that comes with being human, each of us desiring shared community and purpose, we are one step closer to unlocking the full potential of our teams and the teams we serve.
—How to embrace the human side of leadership

“Our emotions are a big part—perhaps the biggest—of what makes us human,” says Marc Brackett, author of Permission to Feel, “and yet we go through life trying hard to pretend otherwise.”
—Reinvent how we lead

Instead of excluding emotions, we should use them for the best effect. It is more natural to show our personality and it is more authentic. It allows others to show theirs and reduces stress, increases confidence and often results in greater satisfaction, commitment and performance. Education is a relationship-driven sector and ignoring the tools and skills that improve, build and grow relationships would be a step backwards professionally.

The emotional problem that school leaders and principals face now is to unlearn what we have assumed and help leaders accept their emotions. It requires a new understanding and a new mindset – an effective leadership mindset. It requires us to look at our emotions from a new perspective. Not as things to control, but as tools to use.

He the captain of the ship has set sail and it is time for us to lead in a new way.