What I am most grateful for is that those early years of success, and even the rudderless flops that followed, were what facilitated (and subsidized) my finally becoming an artist many years after the commercial success of my band. I’m still reluctant to use the term “artist” self-referentially, but here’s what I mean by that. Today, I make songs with my bandmate Jon Siebels without any illusions that they will be a commercial success, simply because I want and need to rock. The composition is about the transcendent emotion of the moment, nothing more and nothing less. Whether I end up digging up the recording a few months later or not doesn’t matter. I don’t identify with that; It is from a particular moment.
It’s one thing to hear a line like “You’re not your job” and be like, Yeah sure, okay, it sounds a little abstractly true. It is another thing entirely to really, genuinely know. In my experience, you can’t just make the decision to assimilate this belief into your consciousness. There is an old cliché: “You can act yourself in a new way of thinking, but you cannot think of yourself in a new way of acting.” With that said, I’m going to get philosophical for a moment before I give you a list of actions to take.
Who I am? What really matters to me? I am as I exist in relation to others. Friends and family. To the people I love who love me. Yes, yes, I know we live in a society, but for the purposes of this conversation I think it’s okay to be a little reductive. Do I really need people who know me simply by designation (former rock star) to confirm or deny my feelings about myself? No. Being overly concerned with how others may or may not perceive you is a great way to become indebted to status and lose your true creative north.
I realized that I could shed all preconceived notions about myself, my band, my career and create my own edgy world free from the shackles of association.
Well, these days you can’t be a self-help guru without having the steps numbered (plus, I’m writing for BuzzFeed right now, and you guys love lists), so here are 6 ways from Eve to change your perspective. via simple, if not always easy, action:
- Call at least one friend or family member a day to see how they are doing. Call, no text.
- Read good fiction. Reading literature will help you to know yourself. I find that the truths about the human condition are best revealed in stories. We also live in a time when the limits of the real imagination are acutely felt. Fiction is important.
- Find your “third place”: a destination point that is neither home nor work where you will be tricked into community in spite of yourself. For me, this is the public pool where I swim for miles with other masochists. We check in with each other. We wonder how he’s going to quit smoking and stuff. Your third place can be anything from a rec center to a recovery group, it doesn’t matter. Just find a way to see honest, familiar faces and talk to them outside of work.
- I could have worked this out in step 2 or 3, but it takes six steps to stick to the trick. Anyway: Host a movie night. This may sound corny, and it probably is, but do it anyway. This is something a friend of mine did when we were in early recovery together, and now my girlfriend and I do it. One or two friends is all you need. Provide refreshments and a selection of criteria. Art and community are the antidote to loneliness and fragmentation.
- Take the necessary social risks to find your people. What this really means is being willing to say hello and ask people questions about themselves. Don’t throw out your work acquaintances with the bathwater. There may be co-workers with whom you have more in common than you think. However, if it doesn’t, that’s fine, just go back to step 3.
- Invoke a kind perspective towards yourself and others. Be quick to catch your mind on your gut judgments of the people you come in contact with on any given day. Cultivating an even-handed view of others, even those who may annoy you on the surface, is a good way to learn to offer yourself a similar grace. Our egos want to maintain the illusion that we are separate from our fellow human beings. Counter this by choosing to see the good in people when you can. Choose to see the good in others and you will more easily see it in yourself.
I want to congratulate you on starting to see a therapist and taking medication to help with your depression. This is awesome and shows that you are willing to stand up for yourself. As for your studies, I’m not going to tell you if you should quit, and luckily you didn’t ask me. But before you make a final decision on it, try to follow the steps outlined above as best as you can. And report back to [email protected] in a couple of months.
Yours,
Eve’s guy 6
Have a question for Eve 6 Guy? send to [email protected]. (Your anonymity from him is guaranteed.) By doing so, you acknowledge and agree that any use of and/or reliance on any information obtained through your email is at your own risk.
